vulnerable divorce

I guess it’s my turn

to hurt sleeplessly all night.
to be left behind.
to cry in front of the kids.
to then choke it back pretending to stay strong.
to blame myself for everything that’s going on.
to need you to tell me that I am not wanted in your world so that I can stop this agony.
to be terrified at the life I have out in front of me.
to doubt everything I did in my life that led me to such pain.

to stand weak-kneed for lack of sleep, food, or, maybe, love.
 
You have taken away from me one of the deepest joys of my life, laughing with my love. You bailed on me. You were committed to me, through everything…and I guess I was right. I don’t deserve your love. I always doubted it, I always assumed that I wasn’t good enough to recieve your love and I found a way prove that I was right.  No matter what. No matter WHAT! Your conditional love shows its truth.
 
So where does that leave me: shattered, fragmented, vacant, vulnerable, empty, lost, hating myself, and you know what? I deserve it.
 
I don’t want you to say “Well, you brought it on, this is what you asked for, this is what you wanted. Your lies and infidelity, your selfishness and lack of basic concern.”
 
I am a weak person, you know that, you held that fragile little girl in your hands and your yelled at her, you demanded things of her, you called her names all at your own pain. I couldn’t be open to you and your feelings because you never stopped the barrage of the facade, the lies that you were okay with things. I am reaching out to you from a painful, painful, place, standing outside of the house looking back on it and saying “I’ve lost him. He is gone. He is no longer in love with me. I am no longer anything of value to him.
 
I hurt so much and I want it to all go away.  I can’t imagine how you endured for so long feeling this way.
 
I am so powerless in the relationship. I always have been. And the one time I begin to pull back the power, to stand on my own feet, to take CARE OF MYSELF,  you rock that. Why?
 

So I can learn how steady I can stand.

 
I don’t need you. I don’t need your abusive, demeaing, controlling ways. I need to love me. I need to care for me. I need to live in a place of light where I am loved and nutured without needing another person for that sustenance.
 
I have to find that world.
 

Shared with permission from TeamLeLo Community member. This blog post does not reflect the opinions or position of LegalLogs or TeamLeLo but we stand behind our vulnerable yet courageous members as they begin to find their voice and THRIVE AGAIN!

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