Relationships and conflict go hand-in-hand. Whether the conflict is between you and your ex-husband/ex-wife, between co-workers or if it’s a landlord and tenant dispute, Harville and Helen have the key to understanding why you’re reacting the way you are and what to do about it.
In one of their best-selling books, Getting the Love You Want, Harville, the author, and his wife and contributor Helen, take you step-by-step down the path of understanding the more common childhood wounds to help you understand why you and your partner react the ways you do. If you’ve ever felt like a victim of terrorism or as though your partner is emotionally absent, this book is for you.
The conflicts you had in your marriage will always be there, even after a divorce. With the right tools and knowledge, you can outgrow old habits that kept you from living your best life possible.
One key element to look at when tempers flare is the answer to the question:
How do you respond to conflict? Are you a Turtle or a Hailstorm/Tiger?
Watch and find out:
At the first sign of conflict, Turtles and Hailstorms/Tigers respond is different ways.
Turtles (or Minimizers) retreat because they feel unsafe. They tuck themselves into their shell and wait out the storm. Turtles want to be alone, to process their feelings privately, until the crisis has settled and it’s safe to come out.
Conversely, Hailstorms/Tigers (or Maximizers) barrel through the conflict wanting to connect and engage. They want to passionately express themselves and expect you to be their audience.
The challenge in most dynamics occurs when the Turtle begins to retreat and the Hailstorm responds by intensely pursuing connection to the Turtle, causing the Turtle to retreat even further. This sort of reciprocal interaction leaves both parties exhausted.
The Key Solution:
Compassionate Communication. Simply knowing whether your partner needs room to explode or some private time to calm down can help you both find calm after the storm.